The OAR (Observer, Action, Results) and BEL (Body, Emotions, Language) models provide a simple way to understand how ontological coaching works. I share these models with new clients to set a foundation for how we will approach the work that is required to achieve breakthrough results.
The results we get in life are based on the actions we take. When we aren’t getting the results we want, we learn to try a different action. Much of the time, this can adequately solve our problems. This is called first order learning.
This is how we are taught many things in life. It becomes automatic to assume that if we’re not getting the results we want, it must be something about our actions that is incorrect. This assumption often turns out to be a helpful one. But sometimes, we’ve tried all of the actions we can think of and none of them get the result we want. Or we’re trying to take the action that has worked for other people but it doesn’t seem to work for us and we can’t figure out why.
So it’s not always as simple as just try a different action, but we often treat ourselves and each other as though it should be that simple. This burdens us with “shoulds”, making it even harder to learn. With shame nipping at our heels as we desperately go in circles, trying everything that is supposed to work again and again, we can easily burn out or give up.
As it turns out, not every problem can be solved simply by taking the correct action. This is where the observer comes into the OAR model: The observer that you are determines the possibilities for action that you are able to see.
Furthermore, the observer that you are is what brings purpose to the actions you take, which is essential for certain actions to be effective. You can take the correct action but without the perspective that makes this action deeply meaningful, the quality of the results will suffer accordingly.
We can all think of examples of how we have experienced this to be true in life, yet so many of us continue to fall into the trap of thinking our results are based solely on the exterior actions we take. Despite our intuitive knowing that tells us otherwise, we tend to disregard the significance of our interior states of being and our corresponding ways of seeing and how they affect the results that our actions produce.
So when we aren’t getting the results we want and we suspect that we might be limited in the possibilities for action we are able to see, we can learn to try a different observer. This is called second order learning.
This is not how we are generally taught to achieve things in life, and that’s because most of us aren’t very aware of the kind of observer we are. We tend to assume that what we are seeing is reality, unconscious of how the lens through which we are looking at everything profoundly shapes what we see. In countless ways, we remain unaware of this and when reality doesn’t behave according to our expectations, we don’t know what to do. When we aren’t aware of how our way of observing the situation is what created the expectations that were broken, we aren’t likely to consider that our observer might be where an adjustment is needed.
So what does it mean to try a different observer? It always starts with becoming aware of how we are observing and how this affects the meaning we make of what we see. But to understand how to shift our observer, we must first understand some things about what constitutes it.
The BEL model describes three aspects of our state of being which impact the kind observer we are: Body, Emotions and Language. To create deep and lasting transformation in our way of seeing, ontological coaching works to create shifts in all three of these dimensions of being.
Our body’s state has a profound effect on how we see. For starters, if our body’s nervous system is in a hyper-aroused state of fight/flight/freeze, it alters our perception so as to maximize our ability to detect possible threats. If we embody the qualities of resolution (fierce gaze, rough and ready posture, directionality of focus) then we will be more likely to see obstacles as challenges that we can handle instead of reasons to quit. If we maintain eye contact in a difficult conversation, it becomes easier to see each other’s vulnerability and to maintain trust.
Our emotional state also has a significant effect on our way of seeing. When we are in a mood of resentment, we are much more likely to interpret events as being unfair. When we are in a mood of curiosity, we are much more likely to interpret events as opportunities to learn. When we are in a mood of anxiety, we are much more likely to interpret events as possible threats.
Language, which includes the stories we tell ourselves in our heads, is how we assign labels through which we refer to things, make agreements, and more. When I say that Jack is lazy, I just created an assessment through which we may now interpret Jack’s behavior and it affects whether we are likely to see him as reliable. When I think to myself that my boss is probably disappointed in my performance, I will be less likely to see the next project as an exciting opportunity to learn and I will be more likely to see it as a last chance to redeem myself if I don’t make any mistakes. When MLK Jr. spoke the words that began with “I have a dream…” it changed the future by inspiring others to see something as possible which they didn’t see as possible before.
Together, body, emotions and language form a coherence which gives us a sense of who we are. It also gives us a way to make meaning of events such that we are able to act to take care of what matters to us. If we shift only one of these three elements, it breaks the old coherence and things don’t make sense anymore. This discomfort can act as a type of homeostasis that makes us want to snap back to our old way of being. However, if we can shift all three together, we can discover a new coherence that makes sense in its own way and is more likely to stick. For this reason, ontological coaching aims to incorporate all three realms in order to create a sustainable shift in the observer. Sometimes, it ends up being one of these three that is the key to shifting the other two and it takes a bit of experimentation and practice to find out what works.
Putting it all together, consider the example of a software engineering leader I once coached who was constantly afraid that her employees might see her as incompetent, and that she might lose respect (or even her job) because of it. The anxiety caused by this fear was degrading her ability to focus, be creative, and cultivate healthy working relationships. She could see the irrationality of the fear and knew how she wanted to be acting, but the anxiety seemed to have a “mind of its own”.
We spent three sessions exploring the issue, and she got to a point where she could clearly see how the stories she was telling herself (Language) reinforced the anxiety (Emotion) and caused tension and stiffness in her shoulders (Body). All of this colored her perceptions of her employees and made them look like potential threats, especially the more talented ones who she assessed as being more technically competent than she was. This explained her guarded and stand-offish behavior (Action) that was interfering with focus, creativity, and good working relationships (Results).
We tried replacing her thoughts with a different, more positive story in which she is not at risk of being seen as incompetent. We tried the suggestion that her employees don’t even care about her competence as long as she respects their expertise and empowers them. But even though these positive stories made sense rationally, she had a hard time believing them and couldn’t pinpoint why. Shifting language didn’t seem to help.
We tried experimenting with her body posture, facial expression and the look in her eye to embody the qualities of relaxed confidence, grace, and adaptability. Again, it wasn’t going in via a body-based approach.
Then I noticed something ironic. As a relatively new coach, I was starting to feel afraid myself that she might see me as incompetent since we didn’t seem to be succeeding at helping her yet. Noticing the similarity to how she was feeling, and knowing what I know about lymbic resonance, it occurred to me that this might be a useful observation.
With no clue what would happen and at the risk of sounding unprofessional, I shared my self-observation with her and asked her point blank “Is this something that would be appropriate for me to feel anxious about as your coach?”
“Of course not” she answered.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because there’s no expectation that you would already know exactly how to help me. We are just here exploring and figuring it out together.”
“Ahh, good. I feel better now. Is that the feeling that is missing for you with your employees?” I asked.
Her face shifted and her shoulders let down immediately. “Oh my god. That’s it!” she exclaimed, with palm to forehead and head tilted back. “Thank you so much, oh my god!”
The emotional state of feeling safe and connected as equals turned out to be what she hadn’t ever seen as being possible with her employees. It took us a few more minutes to name the body and language components of this new observer and we practiced how she might engage in conversation with her employees from this new observer.
She contacted me three days later to cancel our next session. “This was life changing for me, I totally got it! I think I’m good now, thank you so much!”
A permanent shift in the observer doesn’t always come this easily once the new awareness arrives, but when it does, it is truly inspiring to witness.
