What can we do as a community, as a team, or as a couple when we find ourselves polarized in a state of deep disagreement, stuck in the blame game and unable to move forward together? That is a question I attempted to answer in 10 Tips for Navigating Deep Disagreement. Here, we take a deeper look at how the emotion of curiosity plays a critical role in transforming any conflict into a growth opportunity.
We need not look far to see how relevant this is right now. As the gaps in society continue to widen along the fractures created by opposing perspectives on COVID-19, the opportunity for transformation continues to ripen. We might still imagine that progress must be made by winning the battle, yet if we’re honest about it, this approach never produces the best results and it only leads to greater division. The pandemic will end, but the division will live on until we do the work to heal it, erupting again at the next opportunity to disagree.
The more that we act based on seeing it as an either-or battle, the more we make ourselves impossible to negotiate with. Acting in this way teaches others that they have no choice but to sink to the same level, resorting to the use of force to get their way. Most of us tend to slide easily down this slippery slope, which if you think about it, operates on both sides to create a systemic deadlock that is pretty much guaranteed to escalate over time. Even if this battle is won, the next one is even more vicious as we discover that the enemy has become more sophisticated.
How long will we continue in this way before we begin to recognize that either-or is ultimately a losing game? A colossal amount of time and energy are wasted fighting against each other which could instead go towards leveraging our differences to create both-and solutions. Recently, I have been heartened to see that despite the extreme polarization, a growing number of people are beginning to call for some form of this. They might not know exactly what the both-and solution is, but they can sense that starting to look for it is a better option than continuing as we have been.
It might be true that to shift out of blame directly into a state of sincere agreement is not possible. Yet, isn’t it also true that shifting out of blame into a state of sincere curiosity is something that every one of us could choose to practice if we really wanted to?
The question, then, is why would we want to practice being curious when we notice the impulse to blame? The narrative upon which our blame is based has strong appeal. It gives us a sense of certainty, direction and conviction. Curiosity seems dangerous if it means letting down our guard in a world where we believe that progress must be made by winning. So if practicing curiosity instead of blame is going to happen, first it will need to overcome all of this. It will need to seem clearly worthwhile.
Take a moment to reflect on this. Can you think of a time when you learned something significant after you had been going in circles for awhile? What became possible for you as a result of that learning experience? Can you see how curiosity played a role in initiating the shift that got you unstuck?
Now consider what it might mean to extrapolate that wisdom from hindsight to inform your attitude towards the future. What is it like to hold that much of what you currently believe right now, while useful, might be an incomplete view of the big picture? What’s it like to expect that your beliefs will inevitably continue to evolve over time? Is there a conflict right now in your life where curiosity might crack open a doorway that blame has been keeping closed? What if noticing your own tendency to blame could become a helpful locator of where your next growth opportunity lies hidden?
Speaking of larger perspectives, it just so happens that curiosity and blame show up in the polarity of resolution and openness. Blame is a shadow expression of resolution, which is only possible in the absence of curiosity, a healthy expression of openness. Openness also has shadow expressions, such as complacency, and resolution’s healthy expression of advocacy resolves this. Recognizing this as a polarity reveals the nature of our resistance to curiosity. If we confuse curiosity with complacency, then we will tend towards blame because we fear that curiosity could lead to becoming complacent toward what we feel we absolutely must advocate for without exception. When we get stuck in this thinking trap, it’s my way or the highway.
Blame is an attack against perceived complacency. It tends to create more complacency, even though others may cooperate on the surface. When you try to force things to go your way, you not only weaken the relationship and miss out on the gifts of others, you create a prison for yourself in which life appears to be against you, when in fact it is you who is oriented against life. Here, a growth opportunity awaits if you’re willing to loosen your grip on the agenda and become more receptive, curious, and empathetic. You might look to remember the grain of truth in the thought that “love is all that matters“. This is not the same as becoming complacent and does not require you to give up on what you care about. It only requires being open to other ways that it might be taken care of.
Complacency is a defense against perceived blame. You can never be at fault if you use the declaration that nothing really matters as a defense. But if you live permanently that declaration, life stagnates and ceases to be meaningful. Here, a growth opportunity awaits if you’re willing to look for that which deeply matters and take the actions necessary to create a better world. This does not require you to force anything or to be forced into anything. It is quite possible to advocate for something that matters to you while remaining curious at the same time.
In fact, as this polarity becomes well integrated, the healthy expressions of resolution and openness will enhance each other. The more curious, empathetic and inclusive you are, the more that you can trust that what you are advocating for is a great plan, since it has passed through the rigors of alignment with others. Not to mention, others will be more likely to join you in advocating for it with sincere enthusiasm when they feel like they are co-creators.
Leaders, parents, friends and romantic partners who understand and apply this principle will find that the flow always supports them to take care of what’s truly important with greater effectiveness, less wasted energy, and without having to force anything. They will lean into challenges despite fear of the unknown, because they’ll recognize them as growth opportunities. The best part is that the enemies they find themselves in conflict with will become their best friends.
